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Outlive

by never better baby

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about

“Outlive” came from a night my fear of losing people I love spun so far out of control that my evangelical roots came out of retirement. It’s apparently called death anxiety, but I’m not afraid of death itself so much as living through it. It’s an irrational kind of suffering, and a guy with religious trauma turning to church music to cope is counterintuitive, but sometimes you can only fight fire with fire. God is a key change, life is a hymnal, death is the song list I’ll hand the organist the next time I have to grieve.

lyrics

I can’t get the thought out of my head
That I might outlive all of my loved ones
I’m so desperate I’ve started to pray again
I ask so nicely
Say I’m sorry
But it’s dead quiet

I’m sobbing while my love is asleep in the next room
Looking at scrapbooks my mother made
Reading cards I’ve held onto
God was always just a key change
I still sing hymns when i get worried
If I can’t outrun grief
I’ll set a place for it to eat

I have these dreams
Where we all go at the same time
No one’s scared
and I wake up rested
I’d rather not exist
than be an inconvenience
I’ve got a list
of reasons to live
and I’m not on it

It feels like the time i got clotheslined
As a kid playing tag in the pitch dark
Tried to keep it one more secret
Coughed up dirt and played it off
but the bruise around my neck said it all

I take my pills as directed
But i still think about dying all of the time

credits

released April 11, 2024
Produced by Nick Cortezi (@marinaraband) and Tommy Ordway (@toobi.n)
Engineered by Tommy Ordway
Mixed by Terrin Munawet (@gbmystical)
Mastered by Elaine Rasnake at Daughterboard Audio (@daughterboardaudio)
guitar/vocals/synth: Amy Hoffman
drums: Adam Mikhail
bass: Haley Senft
mandolin: Kyle Guffey
additional guitars: Nick Cortezi

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tags

about

never better baby Boston, Massachusetts

the things you can't say to your coworker when they ask how you're doing

amy hoffman and friends. he/hymn.

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